Overheard at Borders

Before I go to bed at far too late of an hour for any living organism, I just wanted to discuss a rather strange incident that happened while I was at Borders tonight. I was in the art and design section, minding my own business, when from the middle of the store I heard some of the most God-awful cacophonous laughter I have ever heard in my life. I had no clue what in the hey-hi-howdy-ho was going on, so I more-or-less discreetly observed what was happening from my section.

Apparently, a middle-aged guy was “entertaining” any of a number of people by being quite raunchy. The topics he discussed ranged from boogers and rice pudding compote (yes, really), Macaulay Culkin, Yul Brynner being a “volcano of testosterone,” his failure to realize that the average penis length is about 4″, and a rather bawdy story about the “longest penis” he had ever encountered. He claimed this penis was 13-1/2″ long.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure that 13-1/2″ long penises lie almost entirely within the realm of Photoshop. I almost wonder if he had a tape measure with him to confirm the length, because 13-1/2″ seems like an awfully exact measurement to randomly spout off. At any rate, he claimed that he had felt this particular penis in a (and I quote) “deep and personal way,” and that its… uh… presence caused him to hit “soprano notes [he] hadn’t hit since middle school.”

Again, I’m not sure about any of you, but this just seems wrong to me somehow. Being impaled on an abnormally long schlong seems like it might result in a ruptured diaphragm or punctured lung. The discussion really veered off the deep end when he began to loudly discuss the finer points of activities that I cannot repeat here for fear of being immediately arrested–and that’s when I knew it was time to leave. Remind me never, ever to go to Borders on Thursday night by myself ever again.

—May 2, 2003